Following Jesus is Hard Work!

I have written about Bartimaeus a lot in this blog (I have even written “I have written a lot about Bartimaeus” a lot in this blog) and I have taught about Bartimaeus off and on for several years in America and Africa. I remember the moment when his story really grabbed my heart. I was sitting in a green swivel chair in my home in Houston on the 25th floor of a high-rise condominium looking out over the city. I had just reread the story for the umpteenth time when I was struck, for the first time, by the last line: “Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road” (Mark 10: 52 NIV). I actually prefer the ESV translation of this line: “And immediately he recovered his sight and followed Jesus on the way“.

“On the road” or “on the way” refer to the journey that Bartimaeus took with Jesus after Jesus set him free. In his case, the journey led to the cross where Jesus was crucified a few days after Bartimaeus met Him. What happened to Bartimaeus after that? Scripture doesn’t say — he is lost in time. But I’ll bet he did great things for the Kingdom. Of course, the “road” or the “way” is also the spiritual and emotional journey of discipleship and obedience that we walk like Bartimaeus. Our journey also leads to the cross. In my case, this journey has led me to the cross of Christ, just like Bartimaeus; but also to personal crosses.  And not just one time, but every day — at least, it is supposed to. Truth to tell, I have turned away from some of them.

The reason I like “the way” is because it reminds me of other Scripture: “I am the way and the truth and the life” (John 14: 6 NIV).  Jesus — “The way”. It also connects me with another of my favorite passages of Scripture in Isaiah: “And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of holiness . . . But only the redeemed will walk there, and the ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads” (Isaiah 35: 8 through 10). What an amazing image! And as I understand it, not just in some distant future; but, at least in part, for now. To me, the passage describes life in the Kingdom of God, in this world as well as the next.

Finally, Bartimaeus reminds me of the mission of Jesus — to set the captives free, release the prisoners from darkness. Blind Bartimaeus, who lived his life in darkness, was brought from darkness into light. Jesus is, of course, referring to spiritual, emotional, and physical darkness. Healing! Restoration! For all.

All of this passed through my mind as I read the last sentence in the account of Bartimaeus. In that moment, I knew I had to go deeper into that story. In a way, it has become for me a central part of the message of Jesus; all of who He is and what He did before He was crucified is captured in these few verses. Not just the message of Jesus, but also my response — follow Jesus by repenting, trusting, obeying, and surrendering.

This thought led me to reflect on all that I have written about ‘the way’ of the Kingdom over the last several months — repentance, crucify myself, give up the right to myself, sacrifice and surrender, faith, the gospel of the Kingdom of God, the unoffendable heart, finding my value in Jesus, idolatry, total dependence, obedience, and more. As I looked back on what I wrote I saw a body of work that is not ‘main line’ or ‘status quo’, at least from where I come from.  I reread words that have probably offended some, but I hope are consistent with the preaching of Jesus. Yes, I feel bad about people being angry with me (if they are). But these words had to be given birth.

I saw something else that bothered me even more. I am not living the life I have been writing about. I still get offended (but not as much as I used to), I still find life in other’s acceptance of me (but not as much as before), I have not given up the right to myself in all areas of my life, I still struggle with idols, I cannot (at least easily) leave behind parts of my past that still rise up in my mind to fill me with shame. I battle every day against the thought “you are not good enough” and other accusing words the enemy throws at me, but I am doing a better job of ignoring or silencing that stupid voice.. Spiritual warfare has become more of an everyday issue. I often hear the voice of the accuser say “how can you write these words — you are not living them. You are a hypocrite”.

To the best of my ability, guided by Scripture and I hope the Holy Spirit, I am trying to write what I believe God wants me to say. I am also trying to live out these words, but that life, that way, is hard for me to follow. I ask myself “who can live this way? Who can be the slave or servant of all? Who can find all of their value in Jesus alone? Who can forgive everyone who has wounded them? Who can walk through life every day with an unoffendable heart? Who can become like a little child? Who can be the Kingdom man and woman Jesus calls us to be each day?” These are not questions about earning salvation. I am a Kingdom man and therefore I am saved. Jesus has shown me that. These are questions about living the Kingdom life, questions about what we need to do; about my choices, my obedience. These are questions about ‘fruit’ — “Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7: 20 NIV).

Speaking of an unoffendable heart — I did a stupid thing the other day. Several days ago I decided to upgrade to Windows 10. A message on the computer told me it would take a couple of days and then it would be loaded onto the computer by Microsoft. No problem. A day or two later I got a call from the ‘Microsoft Technical Center’ and the caller told me that they had detected numerous hacking attempts on my computer. I thought it was a legitimate call from Microsoft related to the new operating system.

The caller told me to go to my computer, which I foolishly did. I should have hung up but I believed this guy. Long story short, I ended up giving him control of my computer to show me all the hacking attempts over the last 3 years. Then he tried to sell me the software I needed to deal with these problems. Finally, I realized he was not from Microsoft. He wanted me to give him my credit card number. At that point I refused. Finally.

He got very angry with me. Just before he hung up the phone he asked my a question: “Is that your photo”? Remember, he was in my computer. When I said “yes” he said “you look like a real idiot.” I should have said “yes I am an idiot to ever let you into my computer”, which is true. For some reason, I didn’t react to what he said. It was only later that I thought about what he was doing. This guy was deceptive and rude, although I don’t think he was malicious. He was making ‘cold calls’ to try to sell a product. And he was very good, backed up by sophisticated software. My son also makes cold calls for a living. He is selling a useful, legitimate product that will really make life better for the average small- and medium-sized business owner. But it is a hard job. He gets a lot of rejections and even rude responses. I guess in the back of my mind I thought about my son and so did not get too upset at the guy on the line when he called me ‘an idiot’. Besides, I know I am not ‘an idiot’, most of the time. But, in the past I would have gotten really angry.

I did get upset about what he did to my computer or what I was afraid he might have done. I immediately called Microsoft and they had to wipe the machine and load up a new operating system. That upset me. But for some reason, I didn’t get too offended when he called me an idiot.

Anyway, this life on the way following Jesus is hard work. And yes I know, because I have written about it, in one sense we don’t travel alone. We have the Holy Spirit helping us on the journey. And a good thing too because otherwise it would be impossible. No way! But still — “Jesus, really? You want me to live how?” In another sense, we journey in community, at least that is God’s plan. Unfortunately, too often we hide our real selves from our community, thinking that all the mistakes we make on this journey should be hidden, buried in our hearts. That is one of the reasons we don’t make more progress on the way. It is a journey meant to be shared. Sharing opens our hearts to healing.

But still, I wrestle with my inability to live the life on the road with Jesus. I am not talking about perfection. I get that perfectionism is an idol. But shouldn’t I at least make progress with the small stuff? Should I be writing about a life that I have a hard time living? This Jesus life is hard — if someone somewhere in the world reads what I write will they get discouraged? Or, if someone who knows me reads what I am writing, what will they think?

So I asked Jesus. What do you want me to know Lord? He said what millions of people throughout history have said so often it has become a cliché — but still the truth. He said “I call it a road or a way for a reason. You follow me on the road because it is the journey, not the destination. And although it is the journey that is important, you need to have the destination in mind. You need to know where you are heading so that you don’t make a wrong turn. I have called you to become like Me”. It is not the ‘being’ that is important, it is the ‘becoming’, at least in this world. And there can be no ‘becoming’ without struggle and difficulty, even failure (especially failure). I heard Jesus say “John, you are becoming what you already are”. I think He meant there is a sense in which I am already at the destination — I have arrived. And another sense in which I am still journeying toward that destination — both at the same time.

I took some comfort in those words. Since I began writing this blog my faith has grown. I have understood more than at any other time in my life the meaning of the Father’s love. I still battle, but I have more victories on the battlefield these days. You can still offend me, you just have to do better than calling me an idiot. I am not the slave and servant of all, and there are still places in my heart that I have not crucified myself, but I am improving. Repentance has a new meaning for me. I still have too much pride. In other words, I am human. But I know one thing for sure, because Jesus has told me: I am moving in the right direction, I am on the road, and I am a beloved child of God. I’ll keep writing as God leads me, and when He tells me to stop, hopefully I’ll obey.

It is hard, humbling work to follow Jesus. We live in a culture and a time in the history of the world where Jesus is pushed more into the background by all the noise and ‘stuff’ to do and have than ever before. That is a big part of my struggle. So, I stand here with a grateful heart, excited about what God has done in my life, and what He has left to do. When I need His grace, He provides it. When I need to repent, He gives me this gift. He is my encourager and defender. But He is also God — He will not be mocked and He will not give His glory to another. He gives me grace, but He expects obedience also. He really is a Consuming Fire.

“Thank you God for grace, the gift of repentance, and a love that is wider, longer, higher, and deeper than I can ever understand”. We make this journey on the way by faith. How much faith do we need? The size of a mustard seed. I can do that, barely; and only by His grace and in the power of His Spirit, which fortunately He pours out over all of us who are willing to make the effort and call on Him. In the immortal words of Bartimaeus: “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me”. The Good News? He has and He will.

Hallelujah!

Grace and peace friends. We are on this road together.