What Repentance Looks Like For Me

At the Mens Bible Study at Tom’s house on Friday, Dave, one of the men in group, asked what repentance looks like for me. I never answered his question because the conversation moved on. This post describes what repentance generally looks like for me (at least up to now). It might look different for someone else.

I have learned that it is generally not enough to repent of a behavior, like selfishness, anger, resentment, lying, being easily offended, etc. I have to repent of these things, but more importantly I must repent of who I am. That deeper repentance almost always is rooted in pride —  my life in the kingdom of self. Almost always this pride is connected to some aspect of my life that is giving me value and acceptance — an idol — that is not Jesus. These can include my ideas, knowledge, money, performance in ministry, or something like that, including addictions. And deeper still, this idol is usually what I have chosen to compensate for wounding, neglect, rejection, or some other trauma I experienced earlier in life. Repentance is a deep work in my heart.

Repentance is a deep cleansing, healing, and turning that I cannot do on my own. I know, I have tried to change my behavior but I just can’t do it. Maybe for a day or a week. That is because the root of my behavior is beyond my reach, buried deep in my heart. The necessary deep, permanent transformation is not possible in my power. There is no self-help program that can accomplish the deep work that only Jesus can do in me. The good news is that He is willing and able to accomplish all that I need. I know. He has done it, although there will always more work to do. But I have a role to play. In general, here are the steps I typically follow when I repent, although each time the steps might be a little bit different. These steps generally involve my conversation with God, call it prayer, and sometimes with other people. These steps sound very programatic; generally they flow together and seem natural. When I am repenting, sometimes the Holy Spirit moves me in a different direction. When He does, I follow.

Step 1: I must acknowledge that I have a problem. Sounds simple, but often it is not. I must get to the point where I see that the Sin in my life is ‘killing’ me, at least spiritually and emotionally, might be harming others, and is grieving my Father in heaven. I must get to the point where I want to be free.

Step 2: I must state the problem to Jesus, or maybe to a brother in Christ, as specifically as possible. I might not really know what the real problem — the root — is. I might just be focused on the behavior, not aware of all that is underlying the behavior, but I do my best.

Step 3: I must acknowledge that I am powerless to fix the problem or resolve the Sin. This is important. I have to really, really believe this because if I don’t, I will still keep trying to ‘resurrect myself’. A non-starter.

Step 4: The flip side of step 3 is that I truly, absolutely believe that Jesus loves me so much that when I come to Him, He will do His part to set me free. When the Son sets you free, you are free indeed. I believe this.

Step 5: I tell Jesus that I believe He can do this miraculous work. As I said above, the work is almost always deep-heart healing, which then manifests itself in a new creation the world can see in my attitude and behavior.

Step 6: Now I invite Jesus to transform my heart. I give Him permission to do whatever work He thinks is necessary. This is where I surrender to Him. There can be emotional pain in this step because I am generally asking Him to remove from my heart the attachment to the idol I have been clinging to for years, perhaps decades, for value and acceptance. In this step Jesus can show up in many different ways.

Step 7: Once the invitation to Jesus is extended, I wait quietly, patiently for Him to act. Often He does, generally with a word spoken in my heart or mind; sometimes with a vision. During this step it is important to listen. Quiet is essential.

Once, when working through confession and repentance I had a vision of me and Jesus walking on the banks of the Seine in Paris (weird, I know), arm in arm. I had just said something amusing and Jesus was laughing with me. The sense of friendship and fellowship was awesome. I knew that Jesus was telling me that, in this moment, my connection to Him was more important to Him than anything I was confessing. I felt forgiven, valued, loved, and blessed. I can’t remember what I was repenting of, but whatever it was, the burden was lifted by that vision.

I have heard of many other people seeing Jesus enter into their hearts, bringing healing to deeply wounded and traumatized places — making them whole-hearted. To me ‘whole-hearted’ means that this part of my heart is no longer living in the kingdom of self; this part of my heart is living in the Kingdom of God, united with Jesus’ heart.

Sometimes I don’t hear or see anything, which is OK.

Step 8: Next I take whatever action He asks me to take. Once, I had to confess some sin to another brother. I might have to end some relationships, stop reading or looking at certain books or internet sites, give away items I have collected over the years. He might require me to apologize to someone or ask for their forgiveness. All of these steps and more I have had to take over the years. Some of them have been difficult, even painful. All have brought relief and peace.

Step 9: It might sound strange, but in some ways this step is the most difficult for me. Once I have truly repented and invited Jesus to work in my heart and given Him permission to heal me, I must believe that the work is done. It is easy for me to return to the same sin over and over again, not believing that I am forgiven. Satan is good at exploiting this situation. He is named the accuser and deceiver for a reason.

Step 10: Finally, I walk in freedom. If, for some reason, I feel that there is still some residual woundedness, trauma, or sin I can return to Jesus as many times as necessary. He is the healer, it is by His blood that my sins are washed away. The work on the cross was perfect. By the stripes that wounded Him I am healed and made whole. As a child of God, Paul tells me that I am a joint heir with Christ of the Father’s goodness, grace, and mercy. It is for freedom that I have been set free. I am also forgiven, but this forgiveness is more than just God saying “I have forgotten about your Sin”. It is that, but it is also a deeper healing and transformation of my heart.

Freedom comes with responsibility — I have been set free, given a new heart for a purpose. I am called to join God in releasing His Kingdom into the kingdom of the world. As long as this part of my heart is entangled with the world, I cannot fulfill my purpose. Now that I am free, God can use me to push back the darkness wherever He places me. Ultimately, while I get healed and made whole, the purpose of repentance and restoration is to use my life to give glory to God.

Throughout Scripture we are repeatedly called to repent. Jesus also calls us to pick up our cross and follow Him — in other words, to crucify our self-life. I believe that repentance (I repent of who I am; I cannot repent in my own power) and crucify my self life (I crucify who I am; I cannot crucify my self in my own power) are similar, if not the same. Crucifixion is painful . Repentance is often painful. Both ultimately restore my relationship with God — my heart reconnected with the heart of God; a new birth, resurrection. And, at least for that part of my heart, both kill off the self-life, remove me from the kingdom of self, and plant me firmly in the Kingdom of God. In fact, we cannot enter the Kingdom of God until we crucify self (repent). I think of the 10 steps as the ‘Way’ into the Kingdom that Isaiah talks about in Isaiah 35: 3-10 where he writes about healing, restoration, and the coming Kingdom of God:

“Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, be strong, do not fear; your God will come, He will come with vengeance; with divine retribution He will come to save you”. 

“Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs”.

Isaiah is prophesying over Israel, predicting the coming of the Kingdom of God. He is also describing what life in the Kingdom will be like. We (our hearts) shall be healed and made whole (saved). We have also been invited into the Kingdom of God through the work of Christ on the cross. Isaiah goes on to write in this same chapter:

“And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness. The unclean will not journey on it; it will be for those who walk in that Way; wicked fools will not go about on it. . . . But only the redeemed (repentant, restored, healed — my words) will walk there, and the ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”

Repentance is a gift from a gracious God, I am powerless to repent or crucify myself, it is often painful, but the culmination of true repentance, turning from life in the kingdom of self and entering life in the Kingdom of God on the Way of Holiness, brings everlasting joy and gladness. The culmination of true repentance is resurrection. Not in the distant future, when I get to heaven. The Kingdom of God is here, according to Jesus; not in its fullness, of course. But the Good News is that this Kingdom has broken into the world, and I can live in it now. Hallelujah!

I had heard of AA’s 12 step program and I knew that the first step is to openly acknowledge one’s dependence on alcohol. Other than that I had no idea what the other 11 steps were. After I made my own 10-step list I looked up the 12 steps. The lists are similar, but not identical.

Grace and peace to all