Part 6: Philos Love — More than ‘Brotherly Love’
This is part 6 of a 6-part series I have undertaken to write about love. Most of my attention has been focused on agape love. This post explores philos love. I have used the work of Robin Calamio to guide me through some of the more scholarly perspectives on philos at his website: http://www.freelygive-n.com/uploads/LovePlus_-_Imbed_Link.pdf.
The only other type of love mentioned in the New Testament is philos (noun) and phileo (verb). At least in my mind, it is the under appreciated love. Agape seems to get most of the attention. Usually philos is considered ‘brotherly love’ and most believe it is the human counterpart to agape – man’s way of loving (philos) versus God’s love (agape). But agape love is more complex — there is a human form of agape love and — surprise — there is a divine form of philos. And, rather than brotherly love, a better translation of phileo is to cherish. While agape love is rooted in my will, not emotion (although all of us have emotions, they just are not the basis for agape love), philos is an emotional love. Here is what Scripture says:
John 5: 20 — “For the Father loves (phileo) the Son, and shows Him all He does” (NIV).
John 11: 36 — “Come and see, Lord” they replied. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said “See how He loved (phileo) him” (NIV).
John 16: 27 — “In that day you will ask in My name. I am not saying I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father Himself loves (phileo) you because you have loved (phileo) me and have believed that I came from God” (NIV).
John 20: 2 — So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved (phileo), and said “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have taken Him” (NIV).
Titus 3: 15 — “All who are with me greet you. Greet those who love (phileo) us in the faith. Grace be with you all” (NIV).
John 21: 15 — “When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love (agapao) me more that these?” “Yes, Lord, ” he said, “You know that I love (phileo) you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” Again Jesus said, “Simon, son of John, do you truly love (agapao) me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love (phileo) you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” The third time He said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love (phileo) me?” Peter was hurt, because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love (phileo) me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love (phileo) you.”
1 Corinthians 16: 22 — “If anyone does not love (phileo) the Lord — a curse be on him. Come, O Lord” (NIV).
Matthew 6: 5 — “And when you pray do not be like the hypocrites, for they love (phileo) to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men” (NIV).
Matthew 23: 6 — “Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries wide and the tassels on their garments; they love (phileo) the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogue” (NIV).
John 12: 25 — “The man who loves (phileo) his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life” (NIV).
John 15: 19 — “If you belonged to the world, it would love (phileo) you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world”
Matthew 10: 37, 38 — “Anyone who loves (phileo) his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves (phileo) his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me, and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” (NIV).
There are also compound words that have phileo- as their root. Check these out:
1 Timothy 6: 10 — “For the love (philarguria) of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs” (NASB).
2 Timothy 3: 2 — “For men will be lovers (philautos) of self, lovers (philarguos) of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious, gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers (philedonos) of pleasure rather than lovers (philotheos) of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power” (NASB).
Scripture is clear – phileo is love that God has for us (“the Father Himself loves you”), the love that we have for God and Jesus (“because you have loved me”, “Lord, you know I love you”), the love believers have for each other, and even a love expressed by unbelievers (“they love the place of honor”). When used as a root for other ways of expressing love it takes on broader and even darker meanings. For example, people can be lovers (phileo) of money or pleasure.
Philo/phileo is not brotherly love and it is not exclusively man’s love. It is widely mentioned in scripture, so it is important for us to understand more about this type of love. Following are some points about philos that to me seem important:
The best definition for phileo seems to be ‘to cherish’. This is a word packed with emotion. It means “to hold or treat as dear; to care tenderly for, to nurture; to cling fondly to; to protect or care for someone lovingly”. Some synonyms for cherish include affection, value, adoration, love, esteem, and admiration. To cherish someone is to value them warmly – to have the warmth of love for him or her that everyone desires, even needs, to feel fully human.
As I have said in many previous posts, every person is born with an innate need for value and acceptance; a deep need to be connected to others. We also all have a built-in predilection to worship. We will always worship the thing that gives us value. This is the reason why people throughout history have worshiped idols, including our 21st century idols: money, sex, power, fame, work, and hundreds more. In other words, we all want to be cherished, or at least we want to feel cherished. The flip side of this need is that when we are devalued, often at a young age, we carry within us the seeds for anger, bitterness, and resentment, even violence. Of course, we are responsible for our actions, but when we better understand the origin of these emotions we are in a better position to be healed and made whole. They rise up from devaluing, which is the opposite of being cherished.
As Scripture makes clear, we can phileo God and His Son, we can phileo each other, and we can phileo our idols – self, money, pleasure, and much more. The philos for self can be good, a form of Godly self-love, or bad, the self-love that releases evil into the world.
All philos love must be preceded by or rooted in agapao. This is an important idea. Cherishing someone begins when we first love as an act of our will. Remember, agape love does not depend on the others behavior or performance. We choose to love them. Over time, as we love them in this way, our agapao can evolve or morph into phileo love. I think this is why some arranged marriages work. If the husband, for example, first agapaos his wife, who he does not yet know, that type of love can grow into real affection and adoration – philos. And when philos does not exist in a marriage, I believe it is almost always the case that agapao never did either.
I have often wondered about the three questions Jesus asked Peter at the end of the Gospel of John – “Peter, do you love Me?” The first two times Jesus asked “do you agapao me”. Both times Peter answered “Lord, I phileo you.” The last time Jesus asked Peter “do you phileo me”. I am still not really sure what is going on here, but I think it significant that Jesus first asked, “Do you agapao me”. Agape love comes first. But agape love is not enough. To be a true disciple of Jesus we must cherish Jesus, cherish ourselves, and cherish others. Agape is important, but the deepest relationships are the ones we cherish.
Here is a question – do you believe that a man or a woman can agapao another, love with a powerful, transformational agape love, apart from God in their lives? Sure, there is a form of human agape love. But can that human love ever evolve into philos love for another? I guess so, why not? But I believe that God’s agape love flowing through us is infinitely more powerful than human agape love, so it is much more likely that the former will become philos than the latter. I guess I believe that all true relationships between husband and wife or even between good friends have components of both agape and philos love, and that to achieve this level of intimacy and care requires the Holy Spirit. I cannot get to this deeper level on my own. For one thing, how else can I cherish someone who does not cherish me?
I as I have pointed out in previous posts, agape love is not contract love – it is covenant love. Remember in contract love, which is no-love, I give you something and you give me something in return. Perhaps I give you security or value and you give me comfort of some sort. When one of us fails to deliver on the contract, the other party feels betrayed and can call the arrangement off. Not so with a covenant. In a covenant, I don’t give you something – I give you myself, unconditionally. My love for you is not about what you do for me so I will never feel betrayed or offended. This is the root from which philos grows. Philos love rests on the covenant and in this type of love I find freedom.
As I wrote these words, I had another thought. What about love for pets, animals, even Nature. There are many people who cherish the natural world around them. Of course, all of these objects of love can be idols, if we love them more than we love God – which I think is one of the natural consequences of human agape love. But, still this kind of love can be healthy. I would say that the love for a pet is agapao love – it is unconditional, it is a choice that I make, and it is independent of the pet’s performance (mostly). Animals are easier to love than humans, because animals, if treated properly, know the meaning of philos and will love their ‘owners’ that way. Perhaps we can say, a bit tongue-in-cheek, that we love our pets because they first loved us.
Personally, I can’t image having agape or philos love for God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, another person, or even myself when I am living in the kingdom of self. I have written extensively about the Kingdom of God versus the kingdom of self. When I live in the kingdom of self, I demand the right to myself. When I live in the Kingdom of God, although imperfectly, I give up the right to myself, usually daily, which is pretty much what repentance is all about. In other words, life in the Kingdom of God is the life of denying myself, picking up my cross, and following Jesus. How can I truly agapao you when I am finding all of my value in the world – my money, my stuff, my accomplishments, my reputation; seeking relentlessly to further my own interests? I cannot!! So, here’s the question – are we, you and I, living in the Kingdom of God? Have we truly repented and are we repentant, and do we believe, have faith, and not doubt? Apart from Kingdom life, there is no indwelling Holy Spirit. No Holy Spirit, no agapao. No agapao, no phileo. I am, of course, talking about love that has the power to transform, not mere human agape love. As I have said before, you can’t pour into the world what you don’t have in your heart; especially to pour philos into the life of someone who hates you.
I said above that we can phileo the things of the world. When we develop a serious emotional attachment to money, pleasure, relevance, recognition, fame, power, etc (you know the list), we are in a very dangerous place. At this point, we do not just like these things, we cherish them. This condition suggests to me an addiction. We can’t live without them; they take over our life and consume us. Jeremiah wrote about Israel, who could not help herself. She cherished her gods. “But you said, it’s no use! I love foreign gods and I must go after them” (Jeremiah 2: 25). This condition is the real heart of darkness — the source of most of the evil in the world.
Is philos love greater than agape love? It almost seems that way, but I am hesitant to try to answer that question with any certainty. There can be no philos without agape first, I believe. But philos is the ultimate culmination of agape, if indeed agape love evolves that far. Agape love can stand on its own. Philos love is a fuller expression of the deep, wide, high, and long love packed with emotion that God has expressed for His children at the cross. Both are needed, both have their place, both have their source in the hesed or lovingkindness of God.
A final thought. How important is philos in the Christian’s walk, especially this type of love for Jesus? Consider 1 Corinthians 16: 22 – “If anyone does not love (phileo) the Lord – a curse be on him”. Yikes! A curse!! The Greek word is anathema. It can literally mean a curse or excommunication. In either case, phileo of Jesus is serious business. We love Him, because He first loved us – in many ways, one of which is “you are cherished by Jesus”. Right now, today, in the midst of your circumstances. And if we love this way, will that not unleash a revolution? Kind of like what Jesus did. This is our ultimate act of worship, our ultimate way of giving Him praise, honor, and glory.
As followers of Jesus, we are called to love like Him. We agapao the world, which in itself is difficult. Sometimes that agape love grows or changes into philos love – an intense emotional love and affection. This is the love God has for His children. He cherishes us. As God told Moses:
“For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, to be His people, His treasured possession. The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because were more numerous that other peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you (Deuteronomy 7: 6 – 8 NIV).
Although God spoke these words to Moses as the representative of Israel, they are just as meaningful for Christians today. As Paul tells us in Romans, we were grafted onto the root of the Patriarchs.
The love of God is good, right? What about the wrath of God? Oh, not so good. But just as real. Stay tuned.
Praying for all to receive the Father’s love (agape and philos),
John